


i wish you knew

by moltenvintagelacedress



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, also, im p sure i made it ambiguous, it was just to get me back in my Vibe, male or female reader - Freeform, u probably will not see me write reader inserts again, wrote this way at the beginning of the yr to get back into writing fandom content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:42:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21601654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moltenvintagelacedress/pseuds/moltenvintagelacedress
Summary: i was always afraid of letting people down. there was this pressing need, overwhelming and irrevocable, that surrounded me at any given time. i would see this triangle, a simple isoceles triangle, glaring at me, and at each point there were three different categories. social life, sleep, and my grades. it mocked me because you could only ever have two at a time; it was impossible to have all of them at any given time.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Reader
Kudos: 5





	i wish you knew

I was always afraid of letting people down.

There was always this pressing need, overwhelming and irrevocable, that surrounded me at any given time. I would see this triangle, glaring at me, and at each point, there were three different categories. Social life, sleep, and my grades. It mocked me because you could only ever have two at a time. And so I fluctuated between sleep and grades, grades and friends (never sleep and friends--that was unimaginable) and it was exhausting. I planned out my weeks accordingly, deciding where and when I would see my few friends, how long I could sleep each night and, of course, leaving extra time for anything that’d come up.

I was known to be reliable, picking up anything that somebody else couldn’t do, not understanding the word no because to me, it didn’t exist. I lived to get things done, to have people call me responsible and to be the person people went to if they needed help. I craved to be needed and truly  _ wanted _ . But it was destroying me.

For a while, I could keep up. I was used to being busy and always having a project to work on. But since I started college it’s been one thing on top of another, one more assignment, one more late-night shift, another essay to edit for someone. It was all so much, and I couldn’t honestly fit it into my pre-planned schedule, but I did it anyway because I said I would, and really, didn’t I sign myself up for this?

The kicker was when Ten disappeared. He was always  _ there _ , always awake when I needed to talk, always willing to let me stay the night and hug me and helped me on the nights where I couldn’t fit everything into my schedule. But then he wasn’t there; there were no more late night visits to the McDonalds we eventually got banned from and there was no more talking. He was gone and he took my stories with him.

The fact he left screwed me over. My schedule didn’t leave me time to say goodbye, it barely let me say good morning to him when I drank my coffee at the now-empty table in my kitchen, and it became truly unmanageable.

Eventually, I didn’t see the rest of my friends. It became impossible once I started my  _ real _ job and I truly didn’t mind it. They still said hi to me before classes, sent me texts here and there, but I didn’t have anybody to talk to, and I could feel it slipping--that feeling of contentment a person gets that even when everything is falling apart, at least they have love. At least they have the ability to be thankful for the stress, the ability to think about what lies beyond the stress. That did not exist anymore.

Taeyong, however, did exist.

“Can you shut the actual fuck up for once?” I shouted across the couch to Taeyong, kicking his shin. He just laughed louder. 

“Dude, chill,” Johnny gave me a quick smile, rubbing my arm almost soothingly.

“Why should I? I'm trying to watch the movie but he keeps laughing!”

“Because it's a comedy,” Seulgi called from her spot on the floor, and I sighed before getting up to get a drink.

He was always  _ there _ but in an annoying way. By that, I mean he was always there when I didn’t need him; when I would be watching Netflix, alone, relishing in the feeling of being Done or when I’m extremely upset and  _ cannot _ be talked down from it, or talked to period. He had a habit of minorly pissing me off, and I felt bad about it because I knew he always had good intentions, but he really didn’t understand me well enough.

But at the very least he tried. I guess that counted for something.

I mean, it wasn’t as if I  _ hated _ him; I appreciated what he was trying to do, and in a way I think he was trying to help now that Ten was gone but it wasn’t right. We met because he dated a mutual friend, but then they broke up and he stayed in the group. Because I was so distant we never got to talk one-on-one, but he was a cancer and always felt the need to give unsolicited advice and push boundaries that he knew full well were in place. Nobody ever talked to me about how much I was doing. I think everyone (even the people that asked me for help) knew that I couldn’t handle my workload but were too resigned to the fact I wouldn’t change. It was common knowledge I was a people pleaser through and through, and also annoyingly stubborn.

Taeyong, however, didn’t get the memo. He wasn't always direct in the way he'd talk about it, usually just passing comments on how I needed to start prioritizing what I needed done or how I should occasionally say no. Other times, however, he would text me in the middle of the night, double and triple texting paragraph after paragraph about how  _ no, I know we don't talk but that's why I'm so worried _ and that  _ I don't mean to like intrude but we miss you and want to see you again _ . Eventually, I blocked his number.

He sent messages on Instagram after he realized it, and they were less personal than before. I replied to him, having short, polite conversations borne mainly from the fact I hated having an unread notification but also hated leaving people on read.

It went on like this for months. My days passed by generally unchanging; the scents around me changed from wet, musty air to a light green, I saw the leaves growing again on trees, but every single day I was so tired. Every single day it was school, and then work that I learned to hate, volunteering either at an animal shelter or youth outreach center or some job at the library. Days passed and I fell into a routine. For a while I tried to convince myself I would get used to it, that I would adjust, like we do after a diet change or a new job. But it never happened.

Taeyong asked me one night during our pity conversations if he could come over. I told him a very hard “no,” but he then went on to say that “oh, but Seulgi told me we live in the same apartment,” and then he showed up at my door with my favorite take out and I didn't have it in me to make him leave. After that, he started coming to see me when I had the freetime, which wasn’t often, so usually he’d just sit with me at home while I studied or did schoolwork. For once, he stayed silent; he never asked to help me, which I think was him trying to silently further his disagreement of the way I lived. Regardless, his company did help sometimes. It chased away the feeling Ten left in my apartment, almost like he was sage banishing the ghost of his memory.

His appearances came more and more often, and Taeyong took this as an invitation to start talking about how  _ worried  _ he was. Something I noticed about him was that he thought the more time we spent together, the more he understood me. It’s like he thought spending a few nights a week at my place meant he was tuned into my body language, that he could read me like a book. After the second or third attempt at bringing it back up, and me sniping at him, he gave up again.

It was on one of these days that Taeyong tried once again to change me, to  _ fix _ me. He came over to my apartment, catching me before I left for a tutoring session, and I sighed deeply.

He had a smile on his face, but from the time I spent with him the summer before I knew he couldn't hide his emotions well. It was obvious he was worried and frustrated, maybe even a little curious. Proving my point, his smile fell when he saw my backpack.

“Going out again?”

“Before you even start, it's only seven,” I rolled my eyes before I stepped out, locking the door before I started towards the stairs.

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” Taeyong hurried after me. “Seulgi's been wanting to come over but she didn't think it would do anything. Because you don’t make time for her or yourself.”

“Because it doesn't involve you, or Seulgi, or anybody else you're going to bring up.” I tried to think of ways to make him leave, to leave me alone for good, but he continued before I could say anything else.

“But it sure involved Ten.” I stopped before the next flight of stairs. Taeyong, for whatever reason, thought this meant he should continue speaking.

“You always went to him, and we all thought it was a good thing because at least you were talking to someone. But he's gone, and you're here but you're  _ killing _ yourself”

It was his use of past tense, his passion, his excessive worry and almost condescending tone that pissed me the hell off. We stood there for a moment, and when I continued to stare at him, I saw his face change. He went from frustrated and angry to regretful, and he started down the stairs without a word.

“Taeyong,” I called down the flight of stairs. He stopped.

“Yes?”

“You don't get to tell me what I'm doing to myself. You don't have that  _ right _ .”

He left.

Thankfully, he stopped reaching out to me. Really, I'm still confused why he did it in the first place. For a while I thought maybe he was doing it because Seulgi or Johnny asked him to, but as time went on I realized he probably did it because he felt like he had to. He's the kind of person who thinks he owes something to people for simply existing; he lives to save people even if they don't want to save themselves.

It was another night sometime after that where it turns out Lee Taeyong was right.

It really wasn't that different from the night before or the night before that, and I'd had a free day the weekend before. But it was Tuesday and I'd had to finish two essays in the morning and then I had an eight hour shift and then I remembered I had an exam due the day after and I was going to call Ten but oh, he's dead and I couldn't do this anymore.

It was 3 in the morning and I was driving through the aftermath of a mid-April rainstorm, and I had no one and nothing waiting for me outside of it. My meaning, my self-worth was dictated by what I did and how much I did and how  _ well _ I did it. I didn't have a sense of self outside of what others told me. And I really didn't know who those others were anymore.

But then I remembered Taeyong. He wasn't some guardian angel coming to save me, far from it. I was still pissed he continuously inserted himself into a situation that didn't involved him. But I also couldn't say he didn't have a point.

I unblocked his number and called without thinking, and when I thought he wasn't going to because, again, it's three in the morning, I hear a groggy hello.

“Can you please come meet me somewhere?” I looked around, wiping away the tears stuck in my waterline, seeing if there was an open restaurant that wasn't the McDonald's I was banned from.

“Are you okay?” 

“Uhm, barely. There's a Waffle House downtown, meet me there?”

He did. We were at that restaurant until six, starting off with a hug and then a short talk about my day, then sitting down to plan my days and my weeks so I could actually breathe.

At the beginning, he apologized almost immediately. He said sorry for always bringing up how much he hated what I did to myself, proceeded to apologize about what he said on the stairs, and then told me why he was the way he was.

“It wasn't like I wanted to control you,” He bit at his lip, and I felt comforted by the obvious way he was trying to not be Too Much.

“In all honesty, I don't know why I never left you alone about it. When I first started doing it it was because Johnny and Seulgi were talking about it during lunch one day where you were at the library doing a couple tutoring sessions overnight. If I'm being honest, it kind of made me mad.”

I laughed at him, coughing out a “you don't say,” and he continued with a grin.

“Like, it wasn't my place. And I'm sorry for making you feel bad about it and trying to force you to change. But I just hated seeing everyone worry about you and for you to not even--what, notice? Or care. I used to think you didn't care. But I think you just didn't know how to address it and didn't think you could ask for help.”

I was silent for a while. I watched him take out my planner and cross out my perfectly written days, blacking over the highlighters and colored pens I used.

“I did know.” I started quietly, and Taeyong nodded but continued writing something at the bottom of the page.

“I knew they worried. And I always felt bad, because I love them and I could feel how sad they were and I was sad but I don't know. It's like...you know how extroverts get all their energy from being around people? I get my energy not necessarily by being around people but knowing they like me or that I'm useful to them.”

Somewhere in the hours we spent in the booth I told him about the triangle, I told him about high school and how I used to be fine and what exactly happened. I found out Taeyong is a Psychology major (big surprise) and how they'd all been worried for a year or so now. Of course, eventually we started talking about Ten.

“Do you want to talk about him?” He was sitting closer to me, my planner long since put away, and mugs of coffee in front of both of us.

I nodded. “Yeah, I need to.” Another sip of coffee. “It wasn't as if we were super  _ close _ or anything. We were, but only to a certain extent. It was like we both knew we were unhappy, but we never talked about it because it was never right and I know that wasn't why I hung out with him. He never asked questions beyond whether or not he could help me; that's why.”

Taeyong's brow furrowed, and I smirked before nodding at him to speak.

“Sorry if I make you mad again, but you should know by now I'm kinda blunt,” I snorted; he bumped into my shoulder.

“Anyways, Ten never even asked if you were okay? Like, I'm not going to say he didn't care about you because obviously he did but...most people ask even if they know the answer. It's just common courtesy, I guess.”

I nodded, before I started in on what I’d been thinking about since he died. “I think he didn't want to lose me. And in some ways I think he just needed someone to keep him busy. From what, I don't know, but I think it's something to do with why you're here and he isn't.”

Up until that night I never talked about Ten. I wasn't really grieving, per sé; I'd accepted it, I knew he was gone, but sometimes I couldn't help but wonder why he talked to me, why he let me drag him out early as hell in the morning.

“Maybe you used each other to avoid being held accountable.”

“What do you mean, exactly?”

“You liked hanging out with him because he never called you out on how unhealthy your lifestyle was. Maybe he liked hanging out with you because you didn't have anything to call him out on.”

When we left, I felt lighter. When Taeyong hugged me goodbye, I let everything soak in. Everything he said to me, the feeling of having finally having  _ talked _ to someone. When he walked away to his car, I could hear what he said about the triangle ring in my head.

_ “Life isn't a triangle. It's a Venn diagram, if anything, because the goal is to have all three points  _ evenly _. Everything in moderation is key.” _

He went on to argue with me about how there isn't just three things in life we needed, and as I drove home I listed everything I needed.

For starters, I need some loose form of routine. I needed something stable, an event or whatever to ground myself. But in that same vein, I needed things to change; if I got bored, I got restless, and that usually lead to stupid decisions.

I also needed some form of external validation. Of course I was learning to not rely fully on it, but I also knew I was doing something right, something  _ well _ . Without it I would crash.

I guess I also needed love. I don't know what kind yet, whether it be the kind of love Ten gave me born out of escapism and shared bad decisions. Or whether it being the kind of love Taeyong had for everyone; the constant desire to help them grow and change and get better.

I didn't know what exactly I was doing. Beyond the planning and effort and work I really had no idea what I wanted. For years I worked just for the sake of teachers and employers and friends that I didn't know what I wanted.

I'll know eventually. I will one day know what kind of love I needed, what exactly love was based off of. One day I'll learn to manage my time and how to politely decline.

What I knew today was that I would be okay. That was enough.

Sitting down at my kitchen table, I unloaded my bag and looked at my planner. Taeyong had crossed out a bunch of things for the upcoming weeks; he left the upcoming week alone, saying I needed to let people know in advance that I wouldn't be coming in. He left little notes at the bottom of the monthly spreads, cute smiley faces scrawled after passive aggressive reminders. And I talked to Ten, told him about everything that had happened.

I talked about Taeyong, I talked about the fact I wasn't going to be volunteering at the shelter anymore and I wouldn't be at the youth outreach as often. I don't know how long I talked; it didn't really seem to matter. I hadn't had time to just talk to him. I wanted to make sure he knew I was going to bed okay.

I wanted him to know that I missed him and that I hoped he was okay because I was gonna become okay. I hope that was enough for him now.

**Author's Note:**

> yes. i know. a reader insert. this is from march i think ? i published it on my blog n it was mainly a way to get me back into writing characters n shit without overwhelming me...writing reader inserts is very easy for me but im glad ive gotten out of it  
> no shame if u enjoy reading/writing them tho !!!!! theres no harm in it its just not rly my taste n e more but im glad to contribute to the fandom


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